Why You Shouldn't Pretend to Leave Your Child

Most parents know the situation: You're tired late in the day, you've picked up your child from daycare and need to head home to make dinner – but your child wants to keep playing and refuses to come home. In desperation, the words come out:

"Mom/Dad is leaving now. Bye bye sweetie."

And suddenly the child gets up and hurries along. It worked – both today and yesterday.

But even though it may seem like a quick solution, it can have some unfortunate consequences for your child.

It Can Create Insecurity and Weaken Trust

When you pretend to leave, even though you've come to pick up your child, your child may become uncertain about whether they can trust you in the situation. Young children need their parents to be clear and honest. If the child experiences that you say one thing and do another, it can create doubt and insecurity – not only at pick-up, but also in other situations where the child needs to trust you.

The Child Becomes Confused About When the Day Ends

For your child, the transition from daycare to home is an important part of the day. The child needs clear signals about when playtime ends and when it's time to go home. When you pretend to leave, the ending becomes unclear, and the child can become confused about what's actually happening. This can create unnecessary unrest instead of calm and closure.

The Transition Becomes Less Safe

Just as a calm and clear drop-off creates security, the child also needs a safe pick-up. When you clearly show that you've come to pick up your child, you give the child the opportunity to mentally end the day. Pretending to leave takes away that opportunity and can make the transition from daycare to home more unsettled than it needs to be.

It Can Make Future Pick-ups Harder

If your child repeatedly experiences that you "disappear," they may start to react more emotionally at future pick-ups. The child may become more clingy, restless, or insecure – out of fear that you'll suddenly leave again. This can end up making pick-ups more stressful for both of you.

What Works Better?

A calm, clear, and loving pick-up is far more helpful in the long run. When you pick up your child, show joy at seeing them again and be clear in your message:

"I've come to pick you up, and now we're going home."

Give the child a moment to say goodbye to play, the caregivers, or friends. When the child experiences that there is time and calm, the transition becomes easier. You help the child by putting words to what's happening and by being present – even when the child protests.

Pick-up Is About Security

Pick-up is an important moment when the child is reunited with you after a long day. When you meet your child with honesty, clear signals, and calm, you help the child navigate safely in the transition from daycare to home.

It's completely natural that your child sometimes protests. But in the long run, clarity, predictability, and presence create more security – both for your child and for yourself.